Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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