your thong is hanging out like whoa
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
