You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
