walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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