the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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