oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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