If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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