i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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