we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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