Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I sprained my soul last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
