he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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