I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
