are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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