her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
