Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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