my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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