i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
