Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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