At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
