you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
