I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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