Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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