just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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