i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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