I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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