I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
