im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
ttyl tear gas
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
