dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
