I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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