My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
