i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
