do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
