No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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