I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
