If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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