I want to have your abortion
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
