Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
