I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
