I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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