I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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