glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
