The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
