i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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