I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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