I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
