have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
