I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
