You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dick very happy bro
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
