just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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