All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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