You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
