that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
