I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
