I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
