cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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