i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
