The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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