just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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