Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
