so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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